Oh, I know—it sounds tough. But I promise I’m not a part of the Parking Lot Mafia of moms who cluck and rattle and get in a tizzy over what flavor cupcake the teachers served at the 6th grade play. I’m just the opposite – once I know the teachers and I are on the same page, I’ll walk through a mountain to make sure they have what they need to do their job effectively.

This means I’m offering up a million small gestures throughout the year – everything from baking Valentine’s Day cupcakes to wrapping holiday presents to making photo copies to chaperoning field trips. None of these are too time consuming nor do they require regular visits to the classroom; however, I know that the gift of my time and willingness to help is the most precious teacher’s gift of all. While it may only be half an hour here and there, I know it is priceless—not just for the teacher but for me and my daughters, Mari and Lila, too.

So by being clear about my expectations, understanding the teachers’ needs and desires and being there for them and my kids, I am helping contribute to my daughters’ school success in measurable ways, and in return, their teachers keep me in the know when it comes to my girls’ progress; I have access to their teachers, so if an academic, behavioral or confidence issue is brewing, we can talk about it before it becomes a problem; and, most important, my girls know I’m involved and watching them, so they keep up the grades and cut-ups are kept to a minimum.

And at the end of the day, this is what’s most important, isn’t it? Responsive teachers, academic achievement without the drama and confident kids who rise to the occasion in school—it’s all a mother could ask for.

When our children are young, the lies they tell are easier to handle and the consequences are usually limited to a stomachache from eating too many sweets. But as children become tweens and teens, the stakes get higher because their freedom naturally increases.

It’s one of the classic parenting conundrums. To the best of your ability, you raise your children with a solid set of values that include honesty and reliability. But in order for a child to make their family values their own, they must go through experiences that challenge them, which means it’s very possible that your child will make mistakes—including being dishonest or deceptive with you.

This is not to say that all children lie. Some are unfailingly honest, while others can’t lie without looking away or breaking into a sheepish smile. But you can’t depend on this, and more often than not the road to teaching our children to embrace responsibility is a little longer and more winding.

The key is seeing these moments for what they are: not an indictment of your child or your parenting, but an opportunity to demonstrate your values in action.

As someone who regularly teaches children about how to take responsibility for their actions, I know this is hard stuff, and I know what it feels like from both sides. I lied to my mother all the time when I was a teen and to this day she has a hard time understanding how and why I did it.

I lied for a basic reason: I didn’t want her to know where I was because I liked the feeling of “independence,” and if I knew she wouldn’t let me do something in those days, my motivation to get what I wanted was more important than being straight up with her. Sometimes I wasn’t doing anything particularly bad, but I just wanted freedom.

I’m sure any mother can relate to a time when they have asked their child to do something, and then they come to find out that their child tried to cut a corner and only told part of the truth.

When these situations occur, it’s important to look at them from the perspective of you as the parent as well as your child.

From your child’s point of view, keep these three things in mind:

• Kids often think that the thing they are lying about is not that big of a deal (i.e. not doing their homework, not brushing their teeth). But, they know that if they were honest, you would “freak out,” so they do it without your consent.
• Even though your child may tell you a lot of things that are going on with him or her, they still may be selective about what they say—not quite telling the whole story. For example, your child might tell you that they are going over to their friend’s house, but they might “forget” to tell you that their parents aren’t home.
• If there is some part of the story they are telling you that is true, they will hold on to this “truthlet” for dear life.

As the parent, remember:

• Don’t take it personally. If you find yourself getting really angry or frustrated, excuse yourself from their presence for a few moments and calm yourself down.
• Create an environment where you can hear each other. Tell your child that you are going to give them two minutes to explain their perspective without any interruptions from you. Then you will explain your position for two minutes and the same rules will apply.
• Write it all down. It’s often difficult to remember what either of you said during these conversations so during the conversation, take notes. That way if there are any discrepancies later, you’ll have backup.

In the end, as a parent, you want to be able to trust your child. And as they grow older and have more freedom, you need to trust them not just for their safety, but for your sanity as well. So next time your tricky tween tells a tall tale, remember to assess the situation from both perspectives and help your tween understand why what they did was wrong and how they can fix it in the future. And, of course, never forget to lead by example.

But the excitement has faded and now the homework battles have begun. This year is particularly tricky since my son, Jackson, has just started middle school, and middle school is a whole new ball game with half a dozen teachers giving out half a dozen assignments. I knew, from going through this with my older two children, that teaching organizational skills right from the start is the key to keeping all his assignments in order and helping him stay on track. So the first thing I did was purchase an assignment notebook and sit down with him to work out a system.

But keeping track of assignments and knowing when they’re due is just the first set of homework challenges…even if your child can keep track of everything, there is no guarantee they are going to do everything. And, this is where I have learned you have to modify your approach based on your child.

For example, I was much more lenient with my daughter Savannah. I would let her socialize or watch TV after school, knowing she’d complete her work after dinner without an argument. However, with my oldest son Clayton, I often had to relinquish privileges like TV, video games and cell phone use until his work was finished or he’d goof off all night, failing to complete his work on time.

I have also learned it is important to place a certain amount of responsibility on your children’s shoulders. You can teach them the tools they need to succeed, but the decision to finish their work has to be theirs. Sure, I help my kids if they need it, but ultimately it’s up to them. After all, I have no plans to attend college with them just so I can remind them to do their homework every day.

So, while the realities of school have settled in and the fantasy has dissipated, it is exciting to watch my children continue to grow up, gain confidence and take on more responsibility…especially my son Jackson who is in such an important transition. I might not be dancing in the aisle, but I am certainly glowing with pride.

It was a message from my teenage daughter – my daughter who was sitting five feet away from me. Needless to say the ways we communicate and interact have dramatically changed since I was a kid.

It’s certainly not an easy decision to start letting your kids use a cell phone, the Internet or any other form of technology that wasn’t as prevalent when I was their age. How do you know if your kid is ready? Do you know enough to teach them how to use these tools wisely? Can you trust them not to share personal information? How can you actively monitor their use of technology? My older kids – Austin and Savannah – asked me repeatedly for a Facebook account before I acquiesced. They kept claiming to be the last ones in their class to get an account.

After thinking it over, I decided I would let them have their own account. Why? I’m on Facebook myself, so it was tough to explain to them why they weren’t able to use it when their mom was. Personally, I think it provides a great way to keep up with my long distance friends, and it’s a fun way to share what’s going on in my life with friends and fans alike. Still, I wasn’t ready to hand the reins over to my kids without any guidelines. So before turning my kids loose on the Internet, I helped them set up all the privacy controls, and I insisted on having their passwords right from the start. We also had conversations about responsible use of the networking site including the fact that they should never give out private information and never write anything about anyone that they wouldn’t say to that person’s face.

In the end, I think how much you let your kids play in the digital world depends on the kid. You know how mature they are and what they’re capable of handling. Whatever technology you allow them to use, let them know your terms and expectations right from the start.

And, one added benefit of this new way to communicate is that if you leave messages like, “Clean the bathroom or you’re grounded,” on your child’s wall, it really motivates them. Or so I’ve heard.

The tween years – kids between 8 and 12 years old – are difficult because a tween is no longer seen as a child, but not yet seen as a teen or adult. But their bodies are beginning to change and show signs that they are getting older. In fact, research shows that kids are entering puberty and experiencing biological milestones at an earlier age than previous generations.^1,2 This means many girls start to develop breasts and get their periods during this stage, and boys begin to notice changes in their skin and grow hair in new places.

But, beyond these normal physical changes, tweens also become increasingly aware of the media’s perception of the “norm.” Everyday tweens are inundated with images of bodies that are totally unrepresentative of the size of the average person – extreme muscularity for boys and extreme thinness for girls. Not only are many of these individuals unhealthy, but tweens often don’t realize that many of the images have been altered to play up certain characteristics.

So, what can you do to help your children learn to love their bodies and accept them as they are?

1. Start by impressing on them that physical beauty is not the measure of a person’s worth. Tell them that their worth as a human being is determined by their spirit, their personality, their values and their relationships – not their body.
2. Teach them not to compare themselves to others. Each person is different, and a person’s body is not necessarily a good indicator of his/her health. Remind them that there are many factors that contribute to good health – eating habits, sleep, exercise, etc. – and that what is most important is that they take care of themselves and lead a healthy lifestyle.
3. Identify things your tween can change versus those that they can’t. If your child complains about their appearance, try to help them focus on things they can do to make them feel better about themselves. For example, maybe they can cut their hair or start exercising.
4. Praise and teach praise. Make sure you compliment your tween – both on a regular basis as well as at times when it’s obvious they have made a special effort. Also, teach your tween to think of something positive about themselves any time a negative thought crops up.

Overall, just remember this tends to be a difficult stage but you can make a difference. It is important to lead by example – avoid complaining about your own body, try not to have an unhealthy focus on dieting and don’t compare yourself to others. If you show your own healthy habits and work to maintain open lines of communication with your tween, you will not only help their self image but also help build their confidence.

1. Marcia E. Herman-Giddens, Eric J. Slora, Richard C. Wasserman, Carlos J. Bourdony, Manju V. Bhapkar, Gary G. Koch, and Cynthia M. Hasemeier. Secondary Sexual Characteristics and Menses in Young Girls Seen in Office Practice: A Study from the Pediatric Research in Office Settings Network; Pediatrics, Apr 1997; 99: 505 – 512.
2. University Of North Carolina At Chapel Hill (2001, September 18). Research: U.S. Boys Also Reaching Puberty Earlier Than In Past.

Mari, you see, is not allowed to have a cell phone. Oh, she’s begged, pleaded, bribed and prayed to the Good Lord Above for one, but yeah—no matter how much she claims it’s “just a gadget” and promises not to glue it to her hand and dial up friends willy-nilly, her father and I refuse to budge on this simple rule: no kids of ours shall have cell phones until age 14.

There is a method to our madness. First off, we see absolutely no good reason to add upwards of $200 in annual fees to our already out-of-control cell phone bills—particularly for a kid who makes, like, $6 a week for getting straight A’s. Second, we have a house phone. It works just fine—especially for 11-year-olds who just have to talk to their 11-year-old friends.

However, most importantly, we absolutely refuse to put a gadget that doubles as a ticking time bomb into our daughter’s hands. Sure, she can take pictures with it and call her girlfriend to talk about the start of school or even download a couple of games to play when she’s bored, but she could also unwittingly share her number with people who shouldn’t be engaging an 11-year-old, leaving her vulnerable to receiving explicit photos and having inappropriate, unlimited conversations with folks her parents don’t know, when her parents don’t know it.

I believe one of the biggest parenting responsibilities of kids this age is to slowly allow them more freedom, all-the-while controlling the risks. For example, they’re old enough to go to play dates and sleepovers sans their parents, but only at homes that have been properly vetted; they’re mature enough to go to the mall with their friends, but only with a parent close by; and, they’re savvy enough to surf the Internet but only when an adult is in the room.

What tweens are not ready for—at least not in our book—is a world in which they can talk to anybody, give their number to anyone, take pictures of anything anywhere and do all of that without our knowledge or permission. I think they simply don’t have enough common sense to detect situations that might be bad for them.

Of course, Mari’s girlfriends’ parents seem to disagree.

Still, Mari knows that even if she argues this until she’s blue in the face, we’re holding firm on our rule. After all, she’s the kid and we’re the parents and it is that way for a reason. One of these days, she’ll understand…or at least we have to believe she’ll understand.

Just for that moment, it was as if everything was right in my world. Sure, I was behind on a million things at home and work and I probably didn’t have any food in the house for dinner that night, but I didn’t care. Seeing him feel good with his peers made everything else seem insignificant.

Of course I’m not alone. All parents want their children to have high self-confidence, and lots of friends.

But as wonderful as that feeling is, it can be deceiving. The reality is that sometimes self-confidence doesn’t directly connect to “fitting in” with your peer group. I talk to many parents who make the assumption that kids who easily fit in have high self-confidence. But that’s not true when fitting in means that you have to keep quiet about things you don’t like because you don’t want to rock the boat. Ironically, it’s all too easy to sacrifice self-confidence to keep the friendships.

The truth is your child’s true self-confidence only comes from the experience of struggling within those relationships as they figure out their personal boundaries and standards.

So as a parent, what do you do? Here are some tips:

1. Teach your child that it’s natural to have conflicts and disagreements with friends; especially within groups of friends. Close friendships are built on being able to talk about your differences respectfully.
2. Think of yourself as a sounding board for helping them think through what it means to fit in.  What are the positives? What are the negatives? (Just be careful that you don’t dismiss the positives of fitting in, or try to convince your kid to dump friends you don’t like—because that can make your child hide information from you.)
3. Accept that you are a role model and acknowledge when you make mistakes. Laugh at yourself, and graciously accept feedback from others.
4. When they do navigate difficult experiences with friends, tell them you’re proud of what they did and how they thought through the problem.

Let’s just say difficult wasn’t an option for my mom.

Of course, her no-nonsense parenting style had its plusses: I stayed out of trouble and it kept me focused. But her be-quiet-and-do-only-as-I-say approach gave me a wicked case of low self-esteem—made me uncomfortable with my body, with the opposite sex, with the accolades that came with my successes.

Coping with these things is still a struggle, but I promised that it would be much less so for my girls. From the moment I found out Mari is a girl, I made the conscious decision to help her square her shoulders, walk with her chin held high, be comfortable in her skin, and appreciate who she is, no matter what.

And I work hard at this every… single… day.

For instance, every morning, I lean in and kiss my girls—Mari, 11, and Lila, 8—and triple dog dare them to be brilliant. “Who are you not to be?” I ask. They are, after all, smart girls. And their dad and I invest a massive amount of time and cash on art and music classes, academic enrichment programs, science camps, even Mandarin lessons, to show our girls that our world is huge, and that they don’t have to be average when culture, class, and yes, brilliance can take them places their parents and grands have never gone.

It is these constant reminders—those high expectations—that not only keep the A’s coming, but make my girls proud of their smarts. They are trying to please their parents, sure. But they’re also impressing themselves—planning to be great. Something I was too afraid to do when I was their age.

I was also profoundly uncomfortable with my looks; my kinky hair and my dark skin and my curvaceous body seemed always to be a study in what was wrong with, rather than what was beautiful about, me. And so, ashamed and terribly shy, I hid—always tucked myself into the shadows of my prettier friends, avoided talking to boys at all costs.

I don’t want this for my girls, so I tell them they’re beautiful—every inch of them—everyday. I also make it clear that there is true beauty in being different—kinky hair and plump physiques are just as amazing as any other characteristic pop culture serves up as an ideal. Knowing this not only makes my girls comfortable with their loveliness, but encourages them to forgo judging others because they don’t fit whatever “ideal” others serve up. Do I run the risk of creating conceited monsters? Maybe. But there is honor in loving oneself—in appreciating you, even others don’t.

The most important thing I teach my girls every day, though, is that there is strength in imperfection—that making mistakes and owning up to them are the first steps to being better, and that you release yourself from an incredible amount of pressure when you recognize you simply cannot do it all.

This lesson is, perhaps, the best of the three because even as they embrace their strength, beauty, and fearlessness, they’ll need to know that they have the right to take off the “superwoman cape”—that it’s okay to get it wrong and ask for help and lean on a shoulder they can trust—as strong as a baobab tree.

These are lessons we could all stand to embrace. I know I have to remind myself of these things. My hope is that my girls will get in the habit of pursuing excellence, loving themselves, and embracing imperfection now, so that they’ll be the phenoms I know they can be.

Interestingly, at least in my experience, I have found that tweens have many things in common with toddlers – particularly when it comes to their desire for independence.  The difference is that this time your tween daughter isn’t whining because she wants to dress herself in pink cowboy boots, a tutu and a sports jersey.  No, this time she’s asking you to drop her off a block away from the movie theater so no one sees that she was driven by (gasp) her parents!  Not surprisingly, this desire for independence drives parents crazy just as it did when their child was two.

Recently, I have been struggling with my eleven-year-old son, Jackson, about this very issue.  In fact, just a few days ago, he asked me if he could play basketball with his friends at the park…alone!   I was thrown off guard, so I stalled and told him I’d think about it.  Then I immediately called at least a dozen of his friends’ parents to ask, “Are you letting your son go to the park by himself?”  On one hand, I wanted to give him the freedom to play basketball with his buddies.  I mean, what could happen?

At eleven, he knew how to cross a street and was aware of “stranger danger.”  Yet, on the other hand, I worried.  What would happen if he fell and broke his leg?  What if a stranger came along and grabbed him?  Or what if his friends pulled out a pack of cigarettes and urged him to try one?

In the end, I decided that I could create scary scenarios all night but that it was time to let go, at least a little, and trust him to make sound judgments.  We’ve been having conversations about hypothetical situations for years, and I feel certain that he has the morals and confidence to do the right thing.

So, I let him go to the park.

Then, I quickly called my friend who lives across the street from that park and asked her to spy on them.

What can I say?  I’m letting go and letting him have freedom, but I’m doing it in baby steps.

After baking in the sun for a while, I noticed that the smell of my coconut scented sunscreen had been replaced by another, very odious fragrance.  The telltale scent of body odor wafted through the air.  Yuck.  Someone around here needs to bathe and use deodorant, I thought to myself.  As I sniffed the air some more, I was horrified to realize that the offending smell was coming from my son.

How could he have body odor already?  He was only 11 years old!  I had read that children were entering puberty earlier than previous generations but reading it and experiencing it were two different matters.  Not that his stink or apparent transition into puberty upset me, but it did catch me off guard.

So, being ever sensitive of my children’s delicate sensibilities, I believe I said something like, “Dude, you stink!  It’s time to get you some deodorant.”  Thankfully, my son was totally into the idea because, according to him, “the girls like it.”

I must admit I was somewhat surprised by his reaction and his immediate acceptance of this reality.   After all, I remember my mom buying me a sticky roll-on that made me smell like my grandpa which wasn’t much of an improvement over b.o., in my opinion.  Of course, that was back before there was such a wide variety of deodorants that were geared to both girl and boy tweens.  Heck, it was back before the word tweens had even been coined!

Anyway, I was even more pleasantly surprised by my son’s response when he started actually wearing deodorant.  Not only did he feel more grown-up, but he also seemed to gain confidence.  Amazing what a stick of deodorant can do!  Now, if only they made a product to help me with the sweat-inducing moments such as seeing a group of teenage boys flirting with my swimsuit-clad daughter at the pool.  For starters, I think I’ll start having her wear a full-body snowsuit to the pool….but that is a story for another time.